The Middle Schooler in My Head

I was “talking” (and by talking I mean messaging) with a good friend today. She’s far, far away on the other side of the world so our moments with intersecting time zones and without needy children are few and far between. As we traded messages through cyberspace, I was surprised at the pang of longing that hit me. I told her how much I missed having someone I could talk shit, drink wine, laugh hilariously and have a professional conversation with all in one evening. Those few minutes felt like was the first time I could exhale in a long while.

There’s been a lot of breath holding during this first part of the year. I suppose that’s to be expected when you’ve essentially traded in one life for a new one. Sure I exhale within my own four walls, but outside of that? At the Happy Hours, staff meetings, and small talk in the neighborhood? I’m still very much holding my breath. It’s like a nasty version of sixth grade all over again. I want people to know me. I want to be liked. Heck, I want to be cool.girls

Some of my favorite exhalers.

Ugh. Please let this be the last time we do this whole transition thing for a long while.

The mom voice in my head tells me to be myself. Be patient. Trust the process. The middle schooler in my brain wonders why I don’t have someone to grab a glass of wine with mid-week, why have to be so careful with my words, and tires of prefacing everything I say to give it context.

We made the decision to come here for so many very right reasons. I have zero regrets about our decision. Nearly everything in our life improved by making this move. But the friends? Those aren’t so easily replaced.

Here’s to hoping there’s some exhaling in the future.



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