It’s been an embarrassing six weeks since I took to the computer to get my thoughts straight. Some of this is due to the usual busyness of life that comes from working, wifeing, and moming on a daily basis. Some of it comes from not knowing where to begin.
I’m very much of the Joan Didion mindset-I don’t know what I think until I write it down. These days I’m just not sure what to think.
This unexpected baby has left me unsure of what my life will look like going forward. It’s easy enough to simply accept that we now have one more person in our little world, but to really wrap my head around it is difficult.
Where I thought I’d be at 37 is no longer where I am.
The goals and plans I wrote for 2016 evaporated on January 6th.
I am not the person I spent many years convincing myself I was going to be.
I feel like my words can’t compete with my last post when I shared our pregnancy news. When I captured the feeling of unexpectedness and excitement all together. While I am still thrilled with the news of newest little girl, I spend so many days uncertain of how I will integrate her into our life as we know it. How do you write that without sounding incredibly selfish and ungrateful?
Because as much as I am at a loss right now, I do realize how insanely blessed (not #blessed) we are to have this opportunity and I wouldn’t want it to seem any other way.
These things are complicated, but deep down I am continuously reassured that she-whoever she already is- will show me the way. How to love that big. How to be a mom to four. How to get through another round of sleepless nights.
Through it all, I know she will guide me.